Originally published at
http://ehowton.livejournal.comA couple of years ago I was here at work and becoming increasingly uncomfortable, as my **** were getting more tender by the moment. I got home and my wife wanted us to go grocery shopping, and kept yelling at me to keep up. I was having difficulty walking. "What is wrong with you?" she kept asking. I didn't know how to answer. We made it home and after awhile I got the kids down in bed and she was calling me from the other room. "Coming!" I hollered and made my way toward her. Frustrated with my lack of progress, she starts toward my location and finds me crawling to her. Unwilling to take any more of my apparent nonsense, she screams, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
Unable to further dissuade her, I come clean. A $100 trip to the emergency room having my **** sonogrammed coupled with a follow-up visit to my doctor the next morning (where she reads my file, looks at me and says,
Let's see 'em all the while motioning with her hands for me to expedite the unveiling). Her diagnosis?
Acute epididymitis. Translation: "You had a little infection, but now its gone."
Which is why I usually eschew the emergency rooms these days. Too little return on the investment.
After my inexplicable fever last week however - which came with no other symptoms, I noticed something was wrong. I couldn't tell you how, exactly, but I thought I'd pulled a back muscle laying prostrate those sixty hours. Until my nuts started aching. To the point it would sometimes take my breath away. I suffered all week waiting for this ballet of pain to work itself out or manifest itself in some way I would be able to identify it. I finally made an appointment to see my doctor yesterday. Things played out fairly quickly at that point.
My tests came back negative for signs of kidney stones or a hernia, so the doctor pulled two vials of blood to be sent off for tests. He asked me not to eat breakfast, and
called me personally the next morning to tell me he wanted me to get a CAT SCAN.
I was at the hospital by 1000. And staring at a tall glass of berry-cold liquid. The nurse was speaking to me as if I were a geriatric, "If you can finish this drink in the next half hour, we can scan you at 1130."
"This glass?" I say, pointing to the drink on the other side of the counter.
"Yes. If you can finish it in the next half hour, we can scan you at 1130," she repeats.
I reach for the glass, and down it while standing at the counter. It tasted like complete ass. Berry-flavored ass. But it was cold. Made it easier to go down. When I set it down I licked my lips.
Everyone in the back office is staring at me. "We've...we've never seen anyone drink it that fast."
"I was thirsty."
...
By 1400, my doctor calls me again:
Kidney Stone.
ehowton adds up the cost of a kidney stonePrimary Care
CAT Scan
Urogolist
KUB
Ultrasonic blast
| $20
$130
$40
$45
|
- Abdomen was examined in contiguous axial sections from the lower thoracic region to the pelvis with intravenous and oral contrast.
- Liver, pancreas, spleen, appendix and adrenal glands are unremarkable.
- 2.5mm stone located in left kidney.
Primary Care physician sent me for the CT scan where they found a kidney stone and the urologist, after looking over the results and
DR. DRE, declared me in perfect health and my pain viral rather than kidney stone related, putting me on 400mg of OTC ibuprofen four times a day for five days.
Despite that, he sent me for a kidney X-ray so he can discover the location of the stone in hopes of blasting it into sand with ultrasonic waves. Booya. But my doctor did call me today and chewed my ass for not taking my cholesterol medication. Oops.
No, I cannot interpret this
I have a friend from my Air Force days who became an X-Ray Technician after her time in the service. She says they didn't bust up anything smaller than 4mm, and their goal was to get them down to 2.5mm for passing. Based on this, she suggests I not worry about the lithotripsy, but she
was giddy to see the X-Ray
*eyeroll*
ehowton wrestles the MonsterI already drink a lot of water. More water than anyone else I know. I like water. And I've never been a (soft drink) carbonated beverage drinker (that is, 'pop' to those of you in the Midwest, 'soda' to those of you in the Northeast and on the West Cost, and 'coke' to those of you in Texas) but since discovering
Monster drinks, well, though it may not have contributed directly to my new little friend, its certainly contributed to the something like
ten pounds I've gained since I've been drinking it! So...without further experimentation on the subject, its gone. Goodbye sweet
Monster. I will always hold our time together dear.
