The most recent version of this post can always be found here:
http://ehowton.livejournal.com/172840.html
How did you do that? You move like they do. ~Trinity
There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about the
Monster family of drinks, and
I've been asked to set the record straight for those of you who are considering putting your toe in the water, as I have a wealth of knowledge based upon
practical application and
real-world experience. I do not call
my blog the
"Empirical Manifesto" for giggles. During this dissertation, we'll discuss the two classes of drinks:
--> Carbonated beverages and their varieties.
--> Lightly carbonated 'juices' and their varieties
--> Coffee drinks and their varieties.
But first, let me clear up a couple of common fallacies:
1. Will I really levitate after drinking a Monster Energybrand drink?
Yes, you really will. Your feet will physically not touch the ground - but only if you shotgun one in the parking lot immediately after purchase. Always buy two. One to shotgun and one to sip on.
2. You talk about "folding space" as if it were really possible.
Call it what you like, its quite literally a wrinkle in time. You will take on all the powers and responsibilities of a Third-Stage Guild Navigator, being able to travel through space and time
without moving.3. Can Monster Energy brand drinks make me more desirable?
Yes! One of the perks of drinking
Monster Energy are the many positive side effects! Drinking at least one can a day will shrink belly-fat, stimulate hair follicles on your scalp, double stamina, metabolism and attenuate vision. Many people no longer requires glasses or contacts while drinking
Monster brand drinks! It removes wrinkles, clears up acne, restores
ph-balance, halts vaginal dryness, equalizes serotonin levels, strengthens bone, restores beauty and reverses aging.
*These, and many more seemingly outrageous examples of what Monster Energy can do are found under my "MONSTER" tag: http://ehowton.livejournal.com/tag/monster the bulk of which show up under the comments section.CarbonatedLet's discuss the carbonated beverage first. <I>Monster Energy</I> is the original flavor, and is identified by a fluorescent green "M" on a black can with a green pull-tab. Some people are alarmed when they discover the liquid itself is the same electric color, as if it were brewed in a laboratory. That's exactly what it is! The Book of Exodus (Sixteenth Chapter) tells the story of the Lord providing food, from heaven, to the Israelites for 40-years as they wandered in the wilderness. It was described as tasting like wafers made with honey. If manna were a fruit which dropped from the heavens to feed the Israelites, then
Monster would taste like that - because the flavor of it doesn't exist in our corporal world, I can only assume it comes from the spirit-realm, perhaps harvested by the millions of angels God has placed upon this earth to tend to us. When I drink the stuff, I can almost
see them.
This flavor, and this flavor alone comes in all the following volume configurations (other flavors may come in any combination of the below):
- 16oz. Classic (No more than 3 x Daily recommended.)
- 24oz. Billabong XXL (No more than 2 x Daily recommended.)
- 24oz. MegaMonster [WIDE MOUTH]. (No more than 2 x daily recommended.)
- 32oz. B.F.C. (Yes, that's really what they call it. Its a 32oz oil can, and its like a slap across the face! [They suggest not chugging it.] This turgid specimen weighs in at nearly $5! No more than 1 x Daily recommended.)
The other flavors are as follows:
- BLUE "M" Lo-Carb: (Classic Black can) A more asslike version of the original.
- ORANGE "M" KHAOS: (Industrial-patterned can) Orange/Passion fruit. 70% juice.
- RED "M" Assault: (Camouflaged can) Fruit Punch.
- YELLOW "M" M-80: (Industrial-patterned can) Pineapple/Passion fruit. 80% juice.
- PURPLE "M" MixxD: (Industrial-patterned can) Grape/Apple. 30% juice.
- SILVER "M" Heavy Metal: (Green can) Green Apple.
Coffee- Light Brown - Loca Mocha: Chocolate-hinted coffee.
- Tan - Mean Bean: Vanilla-hinted coffee.
- Yellow - Big Black: Monster coffee.
- Red - Russian: White Russian coffee.
- Green - Irish Blend: Irish Creme coffee.
- Brown - Nut-Up: Hazelnut coffee.
- White - Lo-Ball: Lo-carb "Mean Bean"
- Green - Chai Hai: Chai Tea.
I combat the forces of evil everyday. Forces which work against me, to cripple me, and my effectiveness to spread joy and cheer to all those who surround me. Every day I fight evildoers who are willing to sacrifice me to better themselves, and who attempt to disrespect me with their disdain and ignorance. The forces of evil are many, and strong, but I am stronger. When I am face-to-face with pending doom, I crack open a ice cold
Monster Energy drink in their 16, 24, or 32 ounce varieties and arm myself with the kind of supercharge my enemies have come to fear.
I
willbe a light to those around me - a bright, fluorescent green light, shining into the crevices of those who would do wrong. No ma'am, that's not my aura, and I can't heal you. But I know something that can:
Monster brand drinks!
Found at all corner shops and gas stations.
Please drink responsibly.
